Relics of The Mushroom War
by Bien-128
Summary: The shadow of the Lich King looms over the horizon, and Finn is gravely injured. Who will take up the mantle of the Hero? -Possible rating change later on.
1. The Historian's Tale, Part 1

_Long ago,_

_Amidst a scene of blood and war and death_

_In a place of acid lies,_

_of tears of wives_

_and the wasting of lives_

_Amidst the burning cities,_

_The ravaged farmlands,_

_And blazing seas_

_Of unending debris_

_A star falls from the sky_

_And a new sun rises high_

_Shrouded by a pillar of fire,_

_Amidst the birds that fly_

_A great wind sweeps through,_

_Leaving only dust in sight_

_The fires and flames burn bright_

_And thus the mushroom blooms_

_Sending everyone to their doom._

- The Historian's Tale


	2. Ooo Snap!

Alex sighed explosively, killing the strings on his guitar.

"Alright guys, one more time."

He picked the opening notes of the song and let the singer ease into the song, praying silently to any deity that was willing to listen that they wouldn't screw up again... it didn't work. The lead played the wrong riff.

"Oh come on man!" The redhead on the bass shouted, "Get it right!"

"Hey, don't blame me! It's not like I like Rise Against anyway!"

"So? I don't like your Nickelback crap but I at least put in the effort to play properly!"

They were practically in each others faces by now.

"Guys!" The singer abandoned her mic and pushed them apart, "Stop it!"

The two of them where at it again in an instant. The lead guitarist pushed the singer away and started yelling obscenities at the redhead.

"Hey dude." Alex said softly, stepping in front of the guitarist, "Shut up if you've got nothing nice to say."

The guitarist shut up alright. A fist sailed towards Alex's face.

"Well, damn you then." Alex swatted the fist aside retaliated with his own fist.

Everything blurred into a mess and Alex suddenly found himself being held back by the his bandmates. The guitarist found himself in the same predicament.

"You know what?" He yelled, "I quit, assholes!"

He wrenched out of the drummer's grip and stormed out of the room.

"What a jerk!" The redhead hissed.

Alex sat down on an amplifier, nursing his arm.

"Well, Princess." He said, "It looks like we'll have to find another lead before tomorrow night."

"I feel kind of weird. It's like the room's spinning or something." The singer remarked. She bent over and wretched.

Everything went white.

* * *

><p>Alex came to, feeling quite heavy and disoriented. He forced his eyes open and regretted it in an instant. He shut them almost immediately, wincing as the light burned into his retinas.<p>

"Hey, you alright?" It was a girl who was talking, her voice was rough, "Dude?"

"Gimme a sec."

He sat up and opened his eyes. He silently asked himself if he had hit himself too hard. There was a girl in front of him. She was wearing jeans and a black tank top. That was no problem. The problem was that she had gray skin and that she was floating. She was also carrying the most wicked looking bass he had ever seen.

"I've gotta be dreaming." Alex told himself.

"Sorry kid, you're not." The floating girl said, "But now that you're awake, I can eat you properly."

She got in his face and bared her fangs. Alex scampered into a corner, holding his hands out in front of him.

"Just kidding." The girl floated over and ruffled his hair, "Name's Marceline."

"Huh. Alex."

An awkward moment of silence passed. "So I'm not dreaming?"

"No." Marceline said, "Seriously, no."

"Well damn. Hey, have you seen my guitar?"

"Oh, this?" She held up a black Les Paul with a red Rising Sun decal.

"Yeah, that."

"Oh my Glob! I haven't seen one of these since... forever!"

"So where exactly am I?"

"You're in my house, silly."

"I meant what country or place or whatever."

"Ah. You're in Ooo, a thousand years after the Great Mushroom War."

"Ooh?"

"Ooo."

"Ooh crap."

Alex got up and dusted himself off. He shouldered his guitar and checked the strings. A dozen things ran through his mind, most glaringly the fact that he was standing in front of a vampire in the Post-Apocalypse and that all he wanted to do was play a song.

"You got an amp I can borrow? I guess I won't be getting back for a long time."

"Defeatist huh? Anyway, sure." Marceline floated off somewhere, "Make yourself at home."

Alex sat on the couch and winced.

"Oh, I don't really use that. Floating and all."

"Figures." Alex stood up and rubbed his butt.

"Anyway, found it."

She carefully placed the amp in front of Alex and plugged it in. "Give it a try."

Alex plugged the guitar in and turned the amp on. He strummed a few chords and winced. There was no doubt that the guitar was out of tune. Alex sighed and fiddled with the tuning keys. He got it back in tune after a few minutes and started playing.

"Do you see the world in different colors? Do you see the world in black and gray?" He sang to himself.

* * *

><p>Alex strummed the last chord and breathed.<p>

"Dude, where'd you learn to play like that?"

"Oh." Alex rubbed the back of his head, "I kinda taught myself. Hey, about that bass. Is that a real axe?"

"Yeah it is."

"Visual pun then."

Screaming and yelling echoed into the cave. Marceline looked outside the window but judging by the way she acted, she already knew who it was.

"Hey, I got some friends I want you to meet." She said.

* * *

><p>Princess Bubblegum looked sadly at her newest invention. It failed to work, judging by the smoke that billowed out of the broken wreck. She pulled off her goggles and shrugged out of her lab coat, looking sadly at the blown-out wreck that sat in the corner of her lab before placing them on the rack. She wanted to know what life before the Great Mushroom War was like.<p>

A bright light suddenly flared inside the room, blinding Bubblegum with its intensity. She covered her eyes, not wanting to make whatever damage permanent. The light faded as abruptly as it had begun and the candy princess blinked her eyes. Sprawled on top of a lab table was a person. She was wearing a dark jacket and what Marceline called 'jeans'. She thought it was Marceline but the healthy color of her skin and the auburn shade of her hair made that an unlikely hypothesis.

The most likely was that her machine had worked, and that she had brought another human into this world. She could barely contain her glee. The Princess took a deep breath, she found that it helps her keep her composure.

"Good God! My head!" The person yelled, rubbing her forehead.

"Are you alright?" Bubblegum cautiously walked over.

"Definitely not." She replied, blinking, "You got any painkillers?"

The way the redhead spoke reminded her of Marceline.

"Wait..." She said squinting at her, "What _are_ you? Am I dreaming?"

"What do you mean? You are not dreaming."

"I mean, your hair is made of bubblegum of all things!"

The redhead took a good, hard look at her.

"So what are you anyway? A Princess? A Scientist? Why is your hair not tied back?"

Princess Bubblegum felt a little bit embarrassed at the redhead's mention of her breach of lab safety protocol.

"I'm both." Bubblegum said, "My name is Princess Bubblegum, and this is my lab."

Peppermint Butler chose this time to make his entrance.

"Excuse me, Princess." The walking peppermint said, "Jake reports that he has spotted another Human in Marceline's dwelling."

Princess Bubblegum threw a look at the redhead, who was looking at Peppermint Butler with wide eyes.

"Am I high or something?" The redhead rubbed her eyes and blinked.

* * *

><p>AN: I should proofread more often. I fixed an inconsistency in the opening scene.

A/N2: Derp. Caught some more errors. Guys, if you see something tell me so I can correct it .


	3. Making New Friends

Alex watched the hyperactive kid and his shapeshifting bulldog approach the house. If it weren't for the long nights spent reading SCP Foundation, he would have freaked out by then. Marceline floated over and waved hello to her friends.

"Finn, Jake. I'd like you all to meet Alex." She said.

Alex waved sheepishly at them.

"I think he's Human."

Alex didn't expect what happened next. The kid burst with joy, then bombarded the both of them with so many questions that they couldn't keep up.

"Alright, alright! Slow down buddy!" Alex said, placing a hand on the kid's shoulder, "Now repeat that last question."

"Howdiyougethere—I mean—how did you get here?"

"Well," Marceline was the first to speak so Alex didn't interrupt her, "I was hangin' in my kitchen when I saw this flash of light in the living room. I went there to check and there he was, all passed out on my floor."

"I don't know how I got here either. Me and the band were just cooling off after our lead guitar left in a hissy fit and then I was in her living room. That's pretty much it."

The dog reached inside the boy's backpack and pulled out a jury-rigged cellphone by the looks of it. The dog answered a call.

"Hey PB." The dog said, "What's up?"

"What's she say?" The boy asked.

"She says she found another human."

"Oh boy." Alex said dryly.

"We've got another human here as well." Jake told this 'PB'.

* * *

><p>Alex sat on top of the dog named Jake, who had grown until he was larger than a house just a few minutes ago. Marceline was floating along beside them, wearing a large hat and long gloves. Finn was still asking questions, but at a slower pace. He was really interested in what life before the 'Great Mushroom War' was like. Finn was positively excited when Alex showed him his iPod. The kid had a great voice, actually.<p>

Marceline had told him a few bits about the War but didn't really elaborate on things. It all seemed to be a far cry from the clean air and bright sunshine of the now. They were approaching some sort of castle, which was flanked by massive gumball machines. They were blowing bubbles. The faint stirrings of a headache wormed its way into Alex's head.

"Xenu. What is up with this place?"

"Don't you have Candy People in your time?" Finn asked.

"We had just candy. No candy people."

"Aww. That sucks."

"I bet you didn't have cities several dozen miles wide." Alex said, showing Finn a picture of the Manila skyline, "This is he best part of it."

"Yeah, that's true. But there's no Candy People, no Princesses. I mean, everything's great but I kinda like it here."

"Hey. The air's good here."

"What? It's always been the same!"

"In my time, there was so much smoke in the air that we could barely breathe. We were the worst sort of people. We were destroying our only home, others for this junk." Alex pointed at his iPod, "Yeah. I'm a hypocrite."

"That's kinda...sad." Marceline remarked.

"How did you guys ever manage to live there?" Finn asked.

"We didn't really live. We ate, breathed, drank, but we never lived. We just spent our lives waiting to live."

"Yo man! You better stop talking about this! It's really bumming me out!"

"Sorry, Jake. So Finn, tell me about this Candy Kingdom."

"Oh... alright!"

They spent a few more minutes killing the time while Jake walked towards the Candy Kingdom. When Finn said that everything in the Candy Kingdom was made of candy, he wasn't kidding. Alex watched the contents of a candy store mill around like humans as the giant dog approached a tower of sorts.

On the balcony was a lady dressed in pink and a familiar redhead. Jake allowed them to disembark.

"Alex!" The redhead yelled, rushing towards him, "I thought I was the only one here!"

"I bet this is the first time you're happy to be wrong, Sarah."

"Like heck yeah!" She threw herself on Alex, wrapping her arms around him in a big bear hug.

"So this is the other human." The lady with the tiara said, "Interesting... Ah, I seem to be getting ahead of myself. Greetings! Welcome to the Candy Kingdom! I am Princess Bubblegum, the ruler of this place."

Alex bowed. He had gone to England several times with his mother on business trips, and had learned how to address royalty, of the British sort at least.

"My Lady." He said, "I am honored to meet you, Your Royal Highness."

Finn and the Princess were caught off guard by this. The Princess' look of surprise faded quickly, and she replied with a small curtsy.

"I must say, the past seems to be quite unpredictable."

"That would only be half of it, Ma'am."

Alex briefly looked around for Marceline, but he could see no sign of her. He assumed that she had left already.

"Oh, come in! Come in!" The Princess motioned them inside, "Let us have snacks while I explain your situation."

* * *

><p>"So you brought us here to learn what life was like before the War?"Alex raised an eyebrow, "Why not open a few books?"<p>

"Sadly, all of the Pre-War records I have come across are badly damaged and woefully incomplete."

"I see." Alex sighed, "I apologize if you think us ungrateful, but how long would it take to rebuild your device?"

"The current device took a week to build. Unfortunately, I have used up all my available materials. Mining and refining the prerequisite elements would take several weeks, and the fabrication of the component parts would take a month at best. I have also lost most of my lab notes on the subject in the fire that came after the original explosion. I am sorry, Alex. Doing all that would take at least a year."

"Very well. It looks like we'll have to wait it out. Thank you, Princess Bubblegum. We would like to help in any way we can."

Sarah reached for a muffin, a hungry glint in her eyes.

* * *

><p>Alex put Marceline's amp on the floor and fiddled with a few knobs.<p>

"You know, 'Cess. I wonder why we haven't freaked out yet."

"Freaked out?"

"Majorly, I mean."

"Huh... true." Sarah looked at Alex's guitar, "Hey! How come you've got your guitar!"

"I know someone who's got a bass you can borrow."

"You called?" Marceline suddenly appeared in the room.

Sarah jumped.

"What the? How'd you get here? Why are you floating?"

Alex put his face in his palm and sighed.

"Sarah, meet Marceline. Marceline, meet Sarah. She's my bandmate."

"Oh?" Marceline quirked an eyebrow, "What do you play?"

"Uh, the bass?"

"Cool!"


	4. Chills

The sun rose, bringing with it the morning bustle that filled the Candy Kingdom. Mothers and fathers headed for work after a hearty breakfast. Children walked into the morning sun to play and laugh. Princess Bubblegum gently drifted out of sleep as the chirping of songbirds by her window pulled her from her dreams. Alex was rudely awakened by _Dancing for Rain_. Sarah rolled out of bed with a shriek.

"Good morning Sir, Ma'am." Peppermint Butler entered the room, having finished delivering the Princess' breakfast, "I have brought your morning meal."

He lifted the lid and set it down in front of them. The pancakes were fresh, drizzled with syrup and topped with a serving of butter and fruits. Sarah was out of bed in an instant, hungrily eying the pancakes.

"JAD." Alex said to himself, "Just another day."

He walked out of bed and started eating his serving of pancakes, pausing only once to change the song on his phone. The tower shook as an explosion echoed down its halls.

"The Princess!" Peppermint rushed out of the room.

Alex and Sarah threw a look at each other and ran towards the Princess' room. Alex paused to put on his lucky jacket.

"You'll never get her, Ice King!" Finn yelled from inside the room.

The two of them entered in time to see Finn deflecting a flurry of ice bolts with an old sword. Jake was circling the old wizard, aiming to knock the crown off.

"Not so fast, Jake!" The Ice King whirled around and froze the dog.

"Jake!" Finn cried, charging his opponent.

The boy's feet lost their grip on ice. The wizard was cackling madly, his beard flapping around.

"Finn! Jake!" Princess Bubblegum yelled from his shoulder, "Help!"

Finn regained picked himself up from the floor as Jake broke out of the ice.

"Damnit!" Finn said, "He got away!"

"Don't worry, Finn. We'll get him."

Jake stretched out of the window and enlarged himself.

"You guys coming?" Jake asked the two of them.

"Yeah, sure."

* * *

><p>Princess Bubblegum was dumped unceremoniously into the cell. She did have a cellmate though. She was sleeping fitfully despite the fact that she had been captured by a crazy madman. Maybe it was a usual thing for her. Bubblegum took a closer look at the girl. She didn't have a tiara. The Ice King kidnapped princesses, not regular people. She brushed away the hair covering her face. She was human.<p>

Princess Bubblegum gasped. Just how many humans did she transport to Ooo? What if they got into the hands of someone far more dangerous than the Ice King. A lump formed in her stomach. The Ice King returned, calling out loudly in his nasally voice.

"Hello Princess! I have brought you some snacks!"

The Ice King took one look at the girl sleeping on the floor and did a double take.

"How did you get in there?" He cried, startling the girl.

The girl screamed.

"At first I was in a cell made of Ice! Then there was this princess! And then there was this old guy with a beard!"

The girl looked around, still not completely awake.

"I'm not dreaming?"

"Get out! Get out!" The Ice King opened the cell and shooed her out, "You're not a Princess! This cell is for Princesses only!"

"Jerkface!"

"What did you call me?"

"I called you a jerkface! A big fat old ugly jerkface!"

The Ice King's shoulders slumped.

"Aww. Fine, get in."

The Ice King opened the cell and let her get in. Princess Bubblegum looked strangely at the girl. She opened her mouth to ask a question but an explosion beat her to the punch. The ice wall collapsed as Finn and Jake burst through the wall, swords and fists at the ready. The Ice King launched a salvo of ice bolts while Jake stretched towards the ceiling.

Finn deflected the ice bolts and charged towards the Ice King. He jumped when the wizard tried to freeze the floor under his feet. Finn was thrown back by a ray of ice.

"Finn!" Princess Bubblegum yelled.

Jake dropped down from the ceiling. He too was thrown back by the Ice King.

"How did you get so good?" Finn growled, getting up from the floor.

"Oh me? I took some tips from the Ice Queen."

"The Ice Queen? I thought she was just fanfiction."

"That's where you're wrong, boy!"

"It doesn't matter! We'll beat you anyway!"

Finn and Jake attacked simultaneously. It was futile. The Ice King laughed as Finn and Jake were thrown back yet again.

"She's mine now!" The wizard cackled.

"Never!" Finn got up.

He charged at the wizard, dodging ice bolts and ice rays. His sword lashed out, slicing off the tip of the Ice King's beard. The wizard flew back to gain distance and was about to unleash another ice ray when he suddenly covered his eyes.

"Ow! My eyes! What kind of magic is this?"

Alex stepped in from the hole, holding a tiny wand in his hand. She looked closer and realized that it was a laser pointer.

"Now Jake!"

Jake stretched his arm and knocked off the Ice King's crown. Finn punched the Ice King across the face, knocking him down. He reached towards his crown. Jake kicked it towards Finn, who caught it and threw it back. They played 'monkey in the middle' with the Ice King as the unwilling monkey until Jake got bored. He unlocked the cell door and let the two of them out.

"Alex!" The girl said.

"Nika!" Alex laughed.

Finn threw the crown into a corner and climbed onto Jake as he grew.

"C'mon guys, let's get outta here before he gets his powers back!"

Finn helped Princess Bubblegum up and Jake allowed the three humans to climb on.

Nika opened her mouth but Sarah shushed her.

"We'll explain later."

"I want to go home!" Nika bawled, "This place is weird!"

"Is she always like that?" Marceline asked from her ceiling.

"Only when someone interrupts her sleep."

The awkward silence was broken by Princess Bubblegum.

"My hero!" She kissed Finn on the forehead.

* * *

><p>A cloaked figure sat hunched over a scrying bowl, peering into the images under the surface.<p>

"Excellent." The figure growled, quite pleased with itself, "The Candy Princess has succeeded."

Green fire erupted, briefly illuminating a skeletal face.

* * *

><p>Nika sat on a chair, sadly pondering a cup of punch. Everyone around her was celebrating the rescue of some lame candy princess and the role of a lame kid and his lame stretchy dog in her rescue. Alex and Sarah were playing on a stage with that lame vampire girl. Everything sucks.<p>

"Now this next song is for those who are feeling down in the dumps. It's called _Survive_! It's by a wonderful band from the past named _Rise Against_!"

Nika's head perked up. That was her favorite song.

"Somewhere between happy and a total freaking wreck!" She sang along so loud that she almost couldn't hear the tiny voice at her feet.

"Excuse me miss? Excuse me?"

It was a cute little snail.


	5. Russian Into Hell

**2200 Hours  
><strong>**March 20, 2014  
><strong>**Somewhere in Iran**

A column of M1A2 Abrams tanks rolled across the Iranian desert, their powerful diesel engines propelling them forwards at a speed of roughly 40 kilometers per hour. The tanks threw up so much dust that it billowed and roiled into a miniature dust storm that extended several kilometers behind them.

"This is War Pig to Homestead. We are approaching the nuclear plant." The signal was relayed by an MQ-1 Predator drone.

"Copied, War Pig. All other units are underway."

The M1A2's crested a hill overlooking the Iranian nuclear plant. Only, there was no nuclear plant, only a gaping hole in the earth.

"Uhh... Homestead, please confirm coordinates. There is no nuclear plant. Repeat, there is no nuclear plant."

"Uh. Satellite flyover confirms. Holy shit."

* * *

><p>The implications were disturbing. Two hypotheses as to the disappearance of the nuclear plant were being thrown around. One was that the Iranians had developed cloaking technology advanced enough to completely disguise the plant from every sensor available to NATO and Warsaw Pact. The other was that the plant had just simply disappeared. Each was just as likely to be the truth.<p>

5-star General Lee Williams was at the forefront of this problem. The world's most advanced military force was being played for fools by Iranian propaganda. He pored through satellite imagery, drone cams, even helmet recorders, and they all showed the same thing. Three hours in, the plant was there. Three hours and a second, and there was an impossibly bright flash of light accompanied by a haze of static, a second after that and the plant was gone.

"Intel from other nations confirms that the plant has indeed disappeared." A messenger said.

If this hadn't been a wartime situation, General Williams would have been quite happy about finding that things could possibly teleport. Sadly, it was a disaster of international proportions.

"So that means that the plant disappeared. Call the heads of state!"

"It looks like..." the messenger said, "We're Russian into hell."

General Williams groaned.

* * *

><p>"So I was like 'Hey man. Iraq my brains trying to write, Kenya go Russian over to the store to get us some food?' and then he came over and was like, 'Iran all the way here and all you ask is food? What's wrong with you? I only had fifty bucks! You really should go Czech the prices!'"<p>

Sarah and Nika laughed, having remembered the International Disaster quite vividly.

"I don't get it!" Finn whined.

"We were using the names of countries in place of words, Finn." Sarah smiled gently at him.

"There was a lot of war in our time..." Nika stared off into the horizon, suddenly not feeling so happy, "Not just small ones. _Millions_ died for nothing. Iraq, Iran, Kenya, those were the names of the countries we destroyed in the name of Oil."

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, "A folded flag, a purple heart! A family all but torn apart! I fought with courage to preserve, not my way of life but yours!" She sang, "Carry on, don't mind me. All I gave yet you ask me for more. I fought your fight, bought your life, and in return I lost my life. What purpose does this serve?"

She opened them again, taking in the marvelous scenery just outside Princess Bubblegum's window. She saw the princess look at her sadly. She knew what she was thinking, that they were a culture so steeped in war that it was a part of daily life. Nika sighed softly. It was a crapsack world, but it was familiar. It was home.

"Yo guys." Jake said, "Stop that, it's really bumming me out."

* * *

><p>Princess Bubblegum remembered what Alex had told her about Hiroshima and Nagasaki, about how tens of thousands were utterly vaporized by the blast of just one 'nuke'. He then quoted an urban legend about a 'downed fighter pilot', about how he had said to his captors that those two were just 'one of the small ones' and that 'they had a thousand more that were twice as big'. The handheld computer that he carried with him held some information on those bombs. She had borrowed it and was horrified to learn that some of the largest were fifty times as powerful as the original two.<p>

She no longer wondered why Ooo was the way it was. She pulled away from those sad thoughts and looked towards the Candy Kingdom. Surely it was all over now. She had seen light in the dark however. Sarah had told her about a worldwide network of computers, where anyone and everyone could share ideas and information. She had heard of science and technology developing so fast that by the time products based upon them reached production, they had already become obsolete.

The Princess told herself that no matter what, Total War will never come to Ooo.

"Alex. May I borrow your laptop?"

"Sure, lemme just check the battery."

He extracted the thing from his backpack and opened it. The screen flared to life, still quite easy to read despite the afternoon sun.

"Here you go, my lady."

She double clicked the 'Angry Birds: Warzone' icon. That game was really quite addictive!

* * *

><p>Alex gave Nika's snail-in-a-jar a distrustful look. There was something disturbing about it. Rather, more disturbing. There was an emptiness in its eyes. The snail stared back. Marceline said that there was something weird about it, something Eldritch. Alex averted his eyes and resumed his study of the chord sheet in front of him.<p>

"Hey Marceline?"

"What?"

"I just realized that G-sus is the holiest chord."

Marceline laughed, "I haven't heard that once since forever!"

"When did Jesus die out anyway?"

"Around seven hundred years ago." Marceline shrugged, "It wasn't really a big deal though, I had a lot of stuff to worry about."

A bright flash caught their attention. Sarah was snapping photographs of them with her digicam.

"You two are so sweet together!"

"We are not!" Marceline objected, "We're not 'sweet together'!"

"Did I ever tell you that Alex over here has a thing for vampires?"

Alex rolled his eyes, "At least I have class! Unlike you and your sparkle fairies!"

Nika mouthed, "Don't mind them. They always argue like this."

Princess Bubblegum burst into the room. She had been flying at a high speed by the looks of it, and tears were threatening to fall out of her eyes.

"I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!" She blubbered, all of her regular poise and composure gone, "The device! It's missing!"

"What?" Alex shot up, knocking over the stand in front of him, "How?"

He sputtered, "I'm sorry, my lady. What happened?"

* * *

><p>Marceline stared at the smoking ruins of Princess Bubblegum's tower. It was as if some angry deity had just simply swept it aside. One of the Guardians lay sprawled across the ground, shattered into so many pieces as its brother wept. She felt the traces of powerful magic lingering in the area. It was evil, the same sort of evil she felt in the snail that Nika had befriended.<p>

"Finn." She said, "There are only two words for this: like what?"

The fourteen year old adventurer stood beside her, staring at the ruined tower's base.

"Hey guys!" A giant Jake called out, "Over here! I found a survivor!"

Marceline floated over as he unearthed a piñata.

"The Lich!" Manfried coughed, "He's back! He's back!"

"The Lich King?" Finn exclaimed, "I thought we defeated him!"

"Nay... he has stolen another body."

Gears began to spin in Marceline's head as she pieced the pieces of the puzzle together. Something clicked.

"Nika! The snail!"

"What?" Nika's eyes went wide, "It's harmless! I swear!"

"No it isn't! Look, we don't have time for this!"

A rasping sound cleaved through the air as Finn slid his sword from its scabbard, "Prepare to feel pain!" He cried.

"Finn!" Princess Bubblegum stretched out a hand to stop him, "No!"

The sword arced towards the snail. The glass protecting it shattered. A lance of energy burst into the air and slammed into Finn. He screamed as the was thrown several meters into the air. He smashed into the ground, flipping head-over-heels until he came to a rest a good dozen meters away from his original position.

"Finn!" Everyone cried.

Marceline rushed over to help her friend. She glanced back at the shattered jar, but the snail was gone.

"Is he alright?" Princess Bubblegum loomed over him, tears once again streaming from her eyes, "Please tell me he's alright!"

"C'mon, buddy! Wake up! Wake up!" Jake knelt beside his best friend.

Finn's eyes slowly cracked open. He coughed, a little blood dripping down his mouth, "I'm not going down without a fight."

The boy's fist clenched.

* * *

><p>AN: How do you guys like it? Please review so I can make this story as awesome as possible. I'm sorry if it's too serious for you guys, I'll put in some lighthearted stuff once in a while.


	6. Power Vacuum

Rakesh al-Makan ran for his life. The _shayaateen_ were hounding him through the halls of the power plant. They were once his friends and colleagues, but now they were soulless husks that did _shaytaan_'s bidding. His legs burned, but he didn't want to stop. His very soul was at stake.

"No!" He yelled, grinding to a halt in front of a wall, "No! No! It can't be! Allah!"

The _shaytaan's_ spidery whisperings were getting closer. Rakesh pounded on the wall, as if somehow he could knock it down with his bare hands. He felt a pressure in his mind.

"You must be so afraid and lonely, Rakesh." The demon said, "Come. Join us."

"No!" He yelled back, "Never!"

Icepicks stabbed into his brain as a thousand voices rose and fell in chorus, "Join us! Join us!" they chanted. Rakesh felt his memories slipping away from him. How he had proposed to his beautiful Almeera, how proud he felt when he received his posting in Iran's first nuclear power plant, how he had suffered long and hard in earning his degree in nuclear physics. Rakesh felt that there was something there, but he didn't know what exactly it was.

"Join us and you will know." The voice whispered, each word grating against his mind like sandpaper against glass.

His will slowly sapped away. Rakesh tensed, blood dripping from his nose. He relaxed, and he was Rakesh no more.

* * *

><p>The reconstruction of Princess Bubblegum's tower was moving quickly with Jake's help. The first priority was getting her lab back in order, and there was already a basic set of lab equipment on hand. It was now also being built with extra security in mind to lessen the chances of another incident taking place.<p>

Princess Bubblegum looked sadly out of the hospital window as her tower slowly began to rise. Alex's laptop had once again been a big help. The teenager had many hobbies, and more often than not, those hobbies were related to professional work. She didn't believe it at first when he had first told her that he tried to design architecturally sound buildings just for fun.

She and a few colleagues had rigged together a computer that was compatible with the design software on Alex's unit and he had gladly copied the program over, teaching the Candy Kingdom's finest engineers and architects how to use the software. Sarah was hunched over a record book, meticulously entering data and balancing accounts. She had been learning from bookkeepers and accountants since she had been a girl, it seemed.

Still, she couldn't keep her thoughts away from Finn. He had recklessly charged into battle, and nearly lost his life for it. Her hero had three broken ribs, a crushed lung, a broken arm, and a light concussion.

"Oh Finn." She sighed, "Why must you be so reckless? You're hurting not only yourself, but those who love you most."

She stroked the boy's golden hair and placed a light kiss on his forehead.

"Get well soon, Finn. We need you."

She turned around and slowly walked out of the room.

"How's he?" Alex asked.

"He's still unconscious. EKG reads alright though."

Alex ran a hand through his hair. She initially thought he was flirting with her, then she realized that he only did it in stressful situations. He had been doing it quite a lot recently.

"Look, my lady." He looked into her eyes, "We're just kids. Weird kids, yes, but we're still kids. There's nothing more that we can do."

"That's where you're wrong, Alex." She replied, "You guys have been a big help! We now know more about the relics we find than we ever could because you were there to tell us what they were. You and your friends are helping us rebuild. You even helped save me from the Ice King!"

She remembered something Sarah had said, 'speak of the devil and the devil will come'. The Ice King chose this moment to burst into the hallway.

"Your hero is no longer there to save you, Princess! You're mine!"

The Ice King grinned as shackles of ice materialized around her wrists and ankles. The Princess lost her balance and fell over.

"Jake!" She called out.

"None of that!"

The Ice King flew over and gagged her with an old sock. He picked her up and was just about to fly away when an Axe Bass sailed through the air and sliced off his beard.

"Marceline!" Alex gaped in shock as she flew into the hallway in her bat monster form.

"Put her down, you psycho!" She roared.

A putrid scent filled the air.

"I think I soiled my tunic..." The Ice King said in a tiny voice.

* * *

><p>"Why Marceline?" The Princess demanded, "Why did you do that? I could have handled myself, you know!"<p>

"Oh," The vampire replied acidly, "so you don't want me to save you from that freak? Well sorry then! I'll let you be carried away by him next time!"

"No! It's not that..." The Princess' mask was breaking, "I thought you hated me!"

"Hated you?" The vampire said, "Look, Bonnie. You're a self-centered, stuck up bitch, but that wouldn't make me hate you. I've seen too much in my life for that. It's just that... we're polar opposites. I want to be your friend again, Bonnie. You're making it hard for me to do so!"

"What?" Princess Bubblegum looked at her with disbelief, "You want to make up?"

Marceline sighed, "Yeah. I really want to, Bonnie."

It was Marceline's turn to be shocked. The Princess had enveloped her in a tight embrace, sobbing noisily.

* * *

><p>Alex watched the two girls enter from his seat at the conference table. Princess Bubblegum's eyes were red and puffy, while Marceline didn't look like her usual carefree self. The light chatter that filtered into the air stopped dead in its tracks as the Princess cleared her throat.<p>

"I have grave news, my friends, vassals, and allies." She said, "My castle has been attacked by the Lich and one of our greatest heroes has been gravely injured."

It was old news to Alex and his two companions, but it came as a shock to the rest. The Earl of Lemongrab stood up.

"You mean to say that your incompetence has nearly cost you the life of our defender?" His high-pitched voice cracked with barely controlled rage, "This is unacceptable!"

Princess Bubblegum brushed off the insult, "This is the reason I have called you here today. We need to draw up contingencies and strategies for our continued peace and safety."

"What about the Newcomers?" The Duke of Nuts rose his voice, "What use are they to us?"

"They have much knowledge of the past, and we may be able to use that to our advantage. Sir Gray?"

Alex cleared his throat and stood up, "I have here dozens of documentaries and hundreds of books on medieval and modern military strategy, as well as software to re-enact and simulate battles from squad level to army level battlespaces."

He prayed to Tom Clancy that he had used the right terms and extracted the laptop from its bag.

"We also have knowledge on many of the relics from the Great Mushroom War as they are common in my time. Furthermore, we also have backup copies of Princess Bubblegum's laboratory notes up until the attack on the Candy Castle. That is all."

"But what about actual combat experience? The Kingdom needs Heroes, not armchair generals!"

Heads turned towards Lemongrab, and slowly began to nod. They had a point. The three of them were useless as warriors, and they knew that. Nika snapped out of her haze.

"I motion to..." She stood up, "To enter apprenticeship as heroes... I hope that makes sense."

People exchanged glances and discussed the motion.

"Nika, what are you-"

"All in favor, say aye."

The vote was unanimous.

"It has been settled then. The Newcomers shall enter a rigorous training regiment under the apprenticeship of the Kingdom's best. If they fail, then Glob help us all."

"Princess! Princess!" A messenger burst into the room, "Prince Gumball has arrived! He requests an audience."

Princess Bubblegum's eyes widened almost imperceptibly. She stood up and cleared her throat.

"This meeting is adjourned. We will reconvene tomorrow at ten in the morning."

* * *

><p>Everyone slowly filed out of the room until it was just her, the Newcomers, and Marceline inside the room.<p>

"Speaking of which." The Vampire Queen spoke up, "I gotta leave for a while. Vampire matters and crap."

"When will you return?" Princess Bubblegum asked.

"I'll be back in a month or two. Three tops. If I'm not back by then, start worrying."

"Very well. We wish you luck on your journey."

"Oh, by the way, Alex." Marceline turned towards him, "Take care of yourself, kid. Being a hero's hard."

"I will." Alex nodded, "You too, Mars."

* * *

><p>"Cousin?" Bonnibel couldn't believe her eyes, "Is that really you?"<p>

"It's me, Bonnibel. I came as fast as I could when I heard that the Candy Castle has been attacked. I trust that things are going well."

"I hope they would go better. The last week has been hard on everyone. Nobody sleeps safe anymore, lest the Lich King attack again, and one of my best heroes is gravely injured. We have a contingency to train the Newcomers, but it'll take months until they are ready, even under the best. I am sorry, Cousin. I am getting ahead of myself. Let us have some tea."

She showed him inside her quarters, which were spartan in comparison to her old room. She called Peppermint Butler inside and asked him for tea and crumpets, with which he returned a few minutes later.

"So tell me about the situation, Bonnibel." Prince Gumball said, his rich voice filling the small room.

Princess Bubblegum sighed and took a few moments to compose everything.

"I guess I should start from the beginning. I must warn you, it is a long story."

"I have time." Prince Bubba Gumball smiled gently.

The hours passed as Princess Bubblegum recounted the events of the past two months. Her cousin's expression changed several times, shock having registered on his face at least twice in her story. Finally, she told the events of today's meeting and ended with a sigh. Gumball cupped his chin in his hand and hummed.

"I think I may have a solution to one of your problems. My Kingdom is safe at the moment so I can spare my heroines to help defend yours, and perhaps train your new set of heroes as well."

Princess Bubblegum's face brightened considerably, "Oh thank you! Thank you!"

* * *

><p>AN: Longest chapter so far. Hope you guys enjoy it!

A/N2: Caught another formatting derp. Also, I'm not quite happy with the ending of the first scene, but I'm not sure if I should change it as well. I'll put this up to a vote. I also realized I've been misspelling 'Bonnibel', I'll go through the previous chapters and set things straight if it's too glaring.

Anyway: Thanks for reading!


	7. New Heroes

Alex sat on a rock, pondering his effectiveness in combat. He rarely exercised, and neglected his martial arts class for computer games. The only fights he recalled were being severely beaten up in grade school by his classmates. He winced: those weren't pleasant memories. He also recalled playing Sword Fight with his cousins once upon a time, but the 'swords' were just sticks of bamboo nailed together.

On the other hand, Sarah had taken fencing when she was growing up in England, and Nika knew how to shoot an arrow. They were going to have it easier than him. Maybe he would take those magic classes BUFO was offering. Jake had warned against it, stating that BUFO was a big nerd. Alex laughed, he was a nerd as well.

"Alex! Watch out!" Sarah called.

He dove away from the rock, barely missing a blunt longsword.

"Sorry!" Fionna apologized, "I got a little carried away there!"

The two of them were clad in white sparring gear, wielding blunted practice swords. Sarah was hunched over, her chest heaving as she tried to catch her breath. Fionna didn't even look tired, despite the hot sun.

"Alright, water break!"

"Finally!" Sarah tore her helmet off and reached for a glass of water, which Peppermint Butler had placed there earlier.

She downed it in just two gulps. Alex offered to refill the glass and she graciously accepted, downing the second glass just as quickly. She took a third, and then a fourth.

"Thanks." She said, wiping her face with a soft towel.

She had just put her helmet back on when Fionna was upon her.

* * *

><p>Their hands worked tirelessly, moving rock and sand and bone to build a throne for their Master. Their eyes were dull, soulless, illuminated from within by unholy magicks. A dozen of them rolled a drum of radioactive waste down a ramp, allowing it to collide with the rest at the bottom. Glowing waste leaked onto the floor, burning all those who touched it. It did not matter.<p>

The Lich King's grin widened as his nexus of power began to take shape within the Concrete Tomb.

* * *

><p>It was Alex's turn to spar. Fionna had shown him the basics of sword safety and handling, and showed him a few basic moves with the sword. His palms were sweating inside his gloves. They did that when he was nervous.<p>

"Three...two...one. Go!"

Fionna blurred into motion. Alex was barely able to bring the sword up in time to block her strike. Steel clashed against steel, throwing sparks into the air. The sword nearly slipped from Alex's hands. He adjusted his grip and swung out in a wide arc. Fionna blocked it with leisurely ease. He noticed that her legs were open, so he swiped her feet out from under her.

"Oh, so you play dirty?" He could tell she was grinning underneath the helmet, "Two can play at that game!"

She grabbed a handful of dirt and tossed it at Alex's face. Suddenly, he was on the ground with the tip of a sword against his neck.

"Well, this was interesting." She remarked, offering a hand to Alex, "I bet you don't like sticking to the rules."

"Duh."

"So round two?"

"Sure."

Several hours and a dozen rounds of sparring passed, Fionna emerging the clear victor every time. His arms and legs burned, and he was nursing a big bruise on his thigh from one of Fionna's swings. She was stronger than she looked. He glanced at Nika, who was busy pulling all of her arrows out of the dirt. Out of three hundred, only a dozen hit the target, and only one had hit the bullseye.

"I forgot to tell you guys that I suck at archery," She said, pulling the last arrow out of a tree trunk.

"No shame in that, Nik. We all suck at something." Came one of Alex's sagely sayings.

Sarah nodded her head, and then winced. She was having one of those killer headaches she got when she was forced to memorize long passages. In this case, it was a 'create itch' spell.

"What did I just read?" Alex peered over Sarah's shoulder.

"It's a book of nonsense spells. Creatus itchius!"

Alex scratched his arm.

"It works! It works!" She broke into laughter, "It works! Ow! My head!"

Sarah's head thumped noisily on the table.

"You go read this, Alex. I'm dead."

Alex pulled the tome over to his place and started reading. He lost track of the time, and was surprised that the sun had gone up again when he looked up from the half-finished book.

"Huh. That was a good read."

Alex pointed at a sleeping Sarah and said, "Arousicus!"

The spell wasn't what he was expecting.

* * *

><p>"I thought it was a 'wake up' spell!" Alex held his hands up defensively.<p>

"Well it's not! I still feel weird!" She stalked into a room and slammed the door.

"Well crap."

Nika yawned and stretched her arms, working her mouth. She sat up with a smile on her face.

"Glad to see you're happy." Alex said, flipping a few pages over.

"Sup Alex?"

"Well, I learned a few spells over here. I used the wrong one on Sarah, now she's pissed."

"Oh, that sucks!" Nika replied emphatically.

"Thanks, Nik."

The clouds outside turned gray, thickening and growing in number as lightning began flashing. A spell of rain pattered against the gingerbread roof, and then suddenly increased to heavy fall of hail. One particularly large stone smashed straight through the roof and shattered against the table. Nika jumped, clutching Alex's arm for security.

Outside, wicked cackling screeched into the air. It was feminine. Outside, candy guards were throwing their spears and firing arrows at the figure skating down from the sky on a ribbon of ice. It was wearing a blue dress and throwing lightning bolts from its hands.

"The Ice Queen!" Alex heard Fionna yell from outside, "Cake, let's get 'er!"

Alex watched as the two heroines attacked from either side, Cake distracting her while Fionna attacked from behind. They weren't expecting the Ice King, who joined the battle from above. He launched a hail of icicles at the two of them, allowing the Ice Queen to press the attack.

"Nika! Your bow!"

"I don't know how to shoot!"

"Don't worry! Just aim for something else!"

Alex cast 'true flight' on the arrows and tossed them to her. They were practice arrows, but they would force the two villains to find cover, he thought. Nika let fly her first arrow. The Ice Queen noticed the projectile heading towards them and turned towards it to project a shield of ice in front of it. Cake took the opportunity to knock her crown off. The Ice Queen fell off her ice track, but was caught by the Ice King. Nika launched a volley of arrows, forcing the King to block them with a wall of ice.

Alex racked his mind for a not-so-useless spell. He came upon 'sparks' and shrugged.

"Electricalus sparkius!" He yelled in pig Latin.

A measly stream of electricity connected the two of them for but the briefest moment. The Ice King yelped in pain. Fionna jumped from Cake's back and slapped the crown away. The two of them plummeted to the ground. The shapeshifting cat caught her partner and put her on the ground.

"You jerks!" The Ice King yelled, "I just wanted to borrow a cup of sugar!"

Nika shot another arrow, forcing the old wizard to duck.

"You butts!" Princess Bubblegum cried from her window.

* * *

><p>"With my gratitude, and that of the Candy Kingdom, I hereby award these metals to Fionna the Human and Cake the Cat for their service in defending the Kingdom and the peace."<p>

Princess Bubblegum placed the medals around their necks and stepped back to allow them to gleam in the sunlight.

"I have something to say." Fionna stepped forward, grasping her medal.

The crowd fell silent.

"We were merely doing our jobs," Fionna removed the medal, "it is our duty to defend and protect those who cannot do so themselves. Nay, the true heroes are Alex and Nika, who went above and beyond the call of duty. Without them, we would have fallen under the combined might of the two Ice Wizards. We owe our thanks to them.

Cake had removed her medal as well. The audience stood transfixed.

"Alex, Nika." Fionna said, "These are for you guys."

The audience burst into applause and cheers as the two Newcomers stepped forward, medals displayed proudly on their necks. Sarah sat at the far end, looking somewhat sad and a little bit jealous. She wanted to apologize to Alex but she couldn't find the time or the willpower to do it, not yet anyway. She stood up and walked away, It was a simple mistake and she had blown it out of proportion.

Maybe later in the backstage area. They were scheduled up for a gig later tonight. She could apologize there.

* * *

><p>"Marceline." One of the councilors said, "Your lack of presence in the meetings causes us a lot of trouble. Without you, the Vampire kingdom is in a state of disarray."<p>

"Can't you just elect a new leader, Alucard?"

"It does not work that way, my lady. We simply can't elect a new leader because the Succession Law doesn't allow it!"

"Can't you change it then? Or has the Council turned into a bunch of a spineless wimps while I was away?"

Alucard bristled at the insult, and then regained his usual composure.

"I'm afraid not. The instability of the Kingdom has made it hard for the council to do anything useful. Changing the Law would upturn the table and result in a civil war, and we all know how the last one went."

Marceline sighed, remembering how the previous King had been slain. "Fine. Let's get to business. Send word to the Candy Kingdom in Ooo that my stay has been extended."

"It shall be done, my Lady."

"Just Marceline. I'm not some power hungry freak."

"Of course, my La- I mean, Marceline."

* * *

><p>AN: How do you guys like this?


	8. Zombie

Marceline sat on the cold stone of the previous monarch's throne, feeling very uncomfortable and resisting the urge to fidget as her subjects prostrated at her feet. She had lopped off the king's head with her Axe-Bass to avoid all of this. Apparently, the lesser vampires had developed a sort of Stockholm Syndrome towards the late Nosferatu.

She had set up the Ruling Council in his stead and then left to explore the world, returning only once every fifty years to check on the state of the Kingdom. Every time, she had eloquently urged the Council to get the fuck off their feet and start governing, but the end result had been the same every time. They were only just barely able to keep the entire nation together, and even then, they were hard pressed to implement new reforms even in their home provinces. Few things irked Marceline, this was one of them.

She only agreed to claim her throne because there had been reports of the Lich King amassing an army in Eee, to which the vampires' territory was closest to. She had declared her reign over the vampire people and the civil conflict stopped almost immediately, save for some fringe groups maintaining that their candidate was the rightful ruler.

"Get up." She said, a hint of frustration creeping into her voice, "I said, get up!"

The thin vampire bolted straight upright, "I am so sorry for having offended you, my Lady."

"Geez! I'm not your evil overlord, so stop acting like it! So what do you want?"

The vampire looked at the floor, flushing brightly in embarrassment, "I was hoping if I could touch the weapon that had slain Lord Alucard."

Marceline closed her eyes and rolled them. She brandished the musical instrument of war and showed it to him. His eyes bugged in wonder and excitement, and he ran a finger along its smooth surface.

"My Lady, what are these for?" He pointed to the strings and pickups.

"Oh, these? I'll show you."

She floated out of the chair and strummed the strings. They resounded with a deep thrumming sound. The young vampire's eyes grew even wider.

"I'm Marceline the Vampire Queen," She sang, plucking the strings, "and I'll tell you a story of the things that have been."

* * *

><p>Alex was slowly getting better at swordplay, managing to hit Fionna at least once. His heart rattled like a machine gun in his chest, adrenalin coursing through his veins. He jumped over Fionna's blade and swung down with his own, catching the young heroine in the shoulder. If she hadn't rolled away and if the sword had been sharp, it would have severed her arm. Instead, it merely grazed her upper arm.<p>

His opponent charged at him from the side. He brought his blade up to counter the incoming blow. It was a feint. Alex felt the blade collide with the back of his knees and he fell down. He rolled away from the sword and grabbed a clump of dirt. He leapt up and tossed it at Fionna. She expected that move, and so she turned her face away. She didn't expect what Alex said, however.

"Dropius like a rockius!"

It was as if someone had placed a heavy weight on Fionna's shoulders, catching her off guard and off balance. Her knees crumpled and she collapsed. He tapped Fionna on the neck with the tip of his sword and killed the spell with a thought. She removed her helmet, revealing luxurious locks of gold hair.

"I didn't know you were practicing magic!" She laughed, "That was awesome dude!"

Fionna jabbed lightly at his shoulder as he helped her up. She grinned, revealing a gap between her two front teeth. Alex returned the jab and offered her a glass of water. Somewhere down the hill, Nika's triumphant cries rang out.

"Yes! I hit the bull's eye! Hey! I hit it again!" She let out a long cheer as she ran up the hillside.

"Yeah!" She held her fists up high, rushing towards the two of them.

She enveloped the two of them in a great big bear hug, laughing merrily with her friends. Alex patted her on the back and picked an apple from a nearby tree.

"Now how about this."

Nika readied her bow and arrow, waiting for Alex to throw it. He tossed it straight into the air and she let loose. The arrow arced gracefully, intersecting the apple at the apex of its trajectory and embedded itself neatly inside a tree trunk.

"Now who done gone shootin' my apples?" Came an elderly voice from the woods.

"Uh oh."

* * *

><p>"Now aren't you a sweet boy," the miniature elephant said in a grandmotherly tone, "now c'mon, have another slice."<p>

Alex was about to refuse when he took another whiff of the sweet aroma that filled her home. He relented and took another slice of that marvelous apple pie. It had been years since he had tasted apple pie, and Tree Trunks' pie brought back sweet memories of home. Suddenly, his track of time caught up with him. It had been several months since his arrival here in Ooo, there was no doubt that the police had long given up in their search for the missing band. His face fell.

"What's wrong son?" Tree Trunks asked gently.

"Nothing..." He sadly replied, "Just thinking of home."

"Aw, now you're getting me depressed." Nika buried her face in his shoulder and started sobbing.

Fionna patted them gently.

* * *

><p>Princess Bubblegum stroked Finn's hair, which had grown out considerably since he had been checked in to the hospital. He was healing quickly, but he was still too weak to be of any use in defending the kingdom. His most damaged rib and his sword arm were still healing, and there was no doubt that he would need at least a month of recuperation after that.<p>

She sighed.

"Hey Preebos," Finn cracked his eyes open, "sup?"

"We're doing fine, Finn." She said gently, "You go get some sleep."

"It's not like I have much to do anyway." he replied, lifting an arm against his restraints.

"I'm sorry Finn, we had to do it for your own safety."

It was the truth. The doctors were forced to restrain him to prevent him from committing suicide by adventure.

"I know, PB." Finn smiled, "And the sooner I heal, the sooner I can get back to defending you. Not just you I mean..."

"I know what you mean, Finn." She kissed him on the forehead, "Thank you for everything you've done."

"No problem, Peebles. I'd do anything to help."

"Now go to sleep, Finn."

"Good night, Princess."

Finn's eyes closed slowly, a content smile forming on his face.

"How's he, Princess?" Alex asked.

"He's healing well, Alex."

"Hey," he said, "I've been meaning to give him this."

He held up an apple pie from Tree Trunks.

"Oh sure!" The Princess smiled, "He loves apple pie! Just go in, try not to wake him up."

"Will do, ma'am."

* * *

><p>They came without warning. An army of undead swarmed the little town of Lamplight, slaughtering everyone and destroying everything inside. By the time Alucard's militia arrived, there was nothing but blood and ash. Marceline arrived a few hours later, having been alerted by messenger. She felt the Lich King's presence in the few undead that were felled.<p>

"We have to do something," She said grimly, "because we're royally fucked."

"Indeed." Alucard said, "What are you planning, Marceline?"

"Call everyone to the council chambers. We have to be there yesterday." She turned towards the one of the Kingdom's greatest Generals. "Marshall! Step up patrols! Equip them with radios if you can spare them. Send our fastest courier to Ooo, we have to warn them!"

She never asked to be a ruler, but the circumstances forced her to be one. She had learned in her extensive travels that if one failed to adapt, they would die a horrible death. She smiled grimly as the people around her snapped into action. At the very least, she would buy her friends some time. Her Humvee rumbled away, the driver pushing the ancient machine to its limits.

* * *

><p>Sarah hefted one of Marceline's basses, wishing badly that she hadn't taken that big axe with her. Marceline was one of the most badass women she knew so she was most likely safe inside her Vampire Overlord castle. The bass felt slightly heavy and off-balance. Sarah adjusted the strap until it felt right and plugged it in. It was a well-kept instrument, and the strings let out a beautiful, crisp tone when plucked.<p>

* * *

><p><strong>The opening chords echoed into the stadium, followed by a heavy bass and drum beat.<strong>

A squadron of B-52 bombers flashed overhead, shepherded by F-16 and F-22 fighters as long streamers of tracer fire arched towards the aircraft. Clouds of flak and missile trails littered the air, mixing with the occasional explosion as some aircraft was hit. One of the BUFFs lost a wing and spiraled away into oblivion.

The bombers opened their bays, revealing row upon row of bombs. The munitions fell towards the ground, blanketing the surface with fire and smoke. Houses, cars, people, they were all torn apart by the concussive blast as the very earth itself seemed to quake in fear.

**"Another head hangs lowly. A child is slowly taken." Nika sang, "And the violence caused such silence, who are we mistaken?"**

Soldiers marched into the town, escorting row upon row of tanks, and personnel carriers. Apache gunships hovered in the sky above like hawks, tearing apart surviving Iranian Army soldiers with their autocannons. An American Marine spun around and fell to the dirt, a sniper's bullet having caught him in the shoulder. His friends aimed at the threat and riddled the Iranian sniper with so many bullets that he was torn into bloody ribbons.

An antiquated T-72 main battle tank rolled around the corner, its turret tracking towards an M1. Soldiers dove for cover as the Abrams' gun belched fire, spitting a depleted uranium penetrator at the enemy tank. The slug punched through armor and internals, embedding itself inside the engine. The T-72 exploded, the turret sailed several meters through the air and crashed noisily to the ground. Marines shot the surviving crew.

**"But you see it's not me, it's not my family. In your head, in your head they are fighting with their tanks, and their bombs, and their bombs and their guns. In your head, in your head they are crying!"**

A Little Bird chopper touched down on the rooftop, allowing its load of soldiers to disembark. The soldiers blasted the door open and charged inside as the chopper lifted off. An RPG streaked towards the Little Bird and exploded, tearing off the tail rotor in a burst of smoke and flame. The chopper crashed into a building and exploded.

The soldiers gunned down everything they saw as a threat. All but one ignored a crying baby and its mother. One soldier looked around and knelt in front of the mother, placing a nutrient bar in front of her. He stood up and walked off.

**"In your head! In your head!" The guitars thrummed and screeched as Nika raised her voice, "Zombie! Zombie! Zombie! What's in your head? Zombie! Zombie! Zombie!"**

Iranian army soldiers were joined by those of their allies as they rushed towards the American front. Missiles shot up from the ground or from airplanes and slashed towards American aircraft, only to be led away by countermeasures. The Americans responded with their own volley of missiles, swatting MiG-29s and Tomcats out of the sky with contemptuous ease.

Bombers dropped munitions on hardened bunkers and army depots, blasting them apart with the fury of an angry god. Soldiers and tanks clashed with sporadic bursts of gunfire, peppered by the occasional explosion. Screams of pain and anger flooded communications channels on both sides, drowning up desperate cries for help. Units advanced and retreated, lost numbers, and were destroyed in the ordered chaos of war.

**"Another mother's breaking heart is taking over. When the violence causes silence, we must be mistaken."**

Mothers hugged their children tight as the world exploded around them. Often times, it did nothing for their survival. Sons and brothers and fathers bade each other farewell, sometimes for the last time. Artillery rockets arched gracefully into the sky, flowers of fire and death blossoming where their trajectories ended. Soldiers weren't soldiers anymore as death rushed to meet them. They broke and ran, only to be caught by the shockwave and be thrown into the air to crumple against concrete and pavement.

Generals surveyed the scenes of carnage with passive expressions from the vantage points offered by surveillance drones. They would be the only ones outside the battle to see it. All camera footage and action reports would be destroyed or placed in secure storage, never to see the light of day.

**"It's the same old theme since Nineteen-Sixteen. In your head, in your head, they're still fighting with their tanks! And their bombs! And their bombs, and their guns! In your head, in ****your head they are dying!"**

Soldiers fell and were avenged by their comrades, before they too fell and were avenged. Chaos reigned as surely as fire and smoke filled the air, as surely as the world turns. Buildings collapsed as their abused frames gave under the constant pounding of artillery and bombs. It was as if hell itself had opened on earth.

The sun was beginning to set, shrouding the land in darkness. The night only served to highlight the destruction that was being served. Tracers and explosions glowed brighter than they could in the day. Fires illuminated the grisly scenes of carnage. And despite all this death, neither side retreated. Over the horizon, a star fell from the sky and touched the earth. A new sun blossomed amidst a pillar of fire that reached for the stars.

**Nika screamed the last chorus as the instruments faded into the background. Her chest heaved as adrenalin coursed through her veins.**

* * *

><p>AN: Longest chapter so far! I enjoyed writing this despite my doubts about the song part. I hope you guys enjoy reading this! Thanks for the reviews, Kuro!


	9. The Sword of Gerond the Tall

Alex chopped down a Mole Beast with a measured swipe from his blade, severing the ugly head from its mount. The corpse tumbled to the ground as Alex moved on to another target. He cut it down as well. He turned around just in time to see one of the creatures lunge at him. It was thrown aside by a pair of well placed arrows. He nodded at Nika, who was also about to be attacked in the same manner. She ducked and Alex tossed a bolt of lightning at the Mole Beast, sending it crashing into the wall.

"Why are we here again?" Sarah yelled, kicking one of the creatures off of her.

"The Princess told us to retrieve the hilt of some sword." Alex replied, his voice nearly drowned out by the noise of a dozen hungry beasts.

Sarah jumped high and embedded her boot in the face of her opponent, using it as a springboard for an attack at the Mother beast. The massive creature roared as it saw her in the air and raised a hand to swat her away. Alex would have none of that. A burst of flame leapt from Alex's hands and burned the Mother's face. Sarah embedded her daggers in its back as she fell, using them to slow her momentum. The creature roared in pain, shaking the cavern as it collapsed.

The patter of clawed feet on tiles echoed into the atrium as the Mother whimpered in pain. It tried to drag itself to safety as Alex walked towards it. He rubbed its head gently. He raised a dagger and plunged it into the base of it's head, neatly severing the spinal column.

"Well, that's done." Sarah cleaned her daggers with a cloth rag and slid them into their sheaths, "Light please?"

"Gimme a sec." Alex cast magelight, illuminating the area.

"Woah..." Nika looked around in awe, "This is just..."

"Indeed."

The atrium was a massive circular chamber. Wrecked machinery and clusters of wire dangled from the ceiling. Yet more wreckage was piled in the center.

"Deja vu much?" Sarah kicked one some of the machinery, "This looks a lot like GLADOS."

"Hell yeah!" Nika ran towards her, "This looks like one of her cores!"

"Uncanny similiarity is uncanny." Alex observed, "Anyway, where to now?"

"There I guess." Sarah pointed into a tunnel, holding up Princess Bubblegum's GPS pendant.

"Alright."

The three resumed their trek into the heart of the dungeon.

* * *

><p>Finn charged at the troll in front of him, holding his sword at the ready. The massive beast roared as it saw him. He jumped, swinging his weapon. The sharp blade dug into its flesh with ease, severing an arm in a spray of blood. Jake kicked the thing as Finn landed, his gigantic foot propelling the troll into the wall.<p>

"Yeah!" Finn screamed, feeling the thrill of combat once more.

"C'mon buddy," Jake urged him on, "Let's go kill some more trolls!"

"Don't we have to find that piece of Gerond's sword?"

"Yeah. So? We can kill trolls while we're looking for it!"

"Oh, right! C'mon, let's go!"

They continued deeper into the ruined fortress, slaying monsters and stuffing loot into their bags of holding. Finn's chest smarted sometimes, but he could handle it. Nothing like a little pain to keep one alert. A tangle of bodies followed them wherever they went, making a clear indication of their progress. Several hours later, they came upon a sealed chamber. The circular door stood several meters above them and was engraved with several glyphic symbols. Neither of them could make heads nor tails of the language.

Beemo popped out of the backpack and glanced at the symbols.

"Oh." She said brightly, "I know that language. Let me translate it for you."

She took a moment to process the input and said, "To open this door, you must say the password."

"What password?" Finn complained, "PB didn't say anything about a password!"

"Hmm." Beemo said, "Perhaps I can figure out the password."

She spoke in a strange language and the cavern began to shake. Jake opened his mouth to say something and then closed it as the door slowly began to rise, the sound of stone grating on stone filling the cavern. Finn's jaw hung slack in awe as a blinding light slowly began to fill the entryway. The door rose higher and it revealed the source of the light: the broken tip of the Sword of Gerond the Tall.

He took a step towards it, half holding his hands towards the blade, half blocking his eyes. Jake got under him and stretched upwards. Finn carefully wrapped his hand around the broken weapon and pulled it free. The glow diminished until it was it was just bright enough to see by. Finn could clearly see his face in the reflective surface. He gaped at it in wonder, turning the shard of metal over in his hands until his thumb ran over the edge. He hadn't applied any force to it, but it had already drawn blood.

"Woah."

* * *

><p>Alex wiped his mouth with the back of his leather gauntlet, sheathing his blade with a single motion. Nika hung her bow on her back and Sarah hid her daggers. They were wearing finely tooled leather and chain mail armor, which funnily enough, had been produced by automated fabricators. Such was the state of science and technology in Ooo. Science and Magic, lasers and swords, golems and robots, they all co-existed with each other. Their gear right now was just one of the many results of blending Magic with Science.<p>

Alex's sword was incredibly sharp and very light. It was made out of a single continuous strand of carbon fiber, reinforced by a tungsten core. Sarah's daggers and Nika's bow were made out of the same materials. 'Schizo tech' were the words. He wondered why they hadn't just equipped them with power armor and laser guns instead. He then realized that nobody was around to teach them how to use them.

Alex couldn't shake the feeling that he was wearing Depleted Uranium chain mail.

Nika snapped her fingers in front of his face, "Yo, 'sup dude?"

"Nothing."

"Well, c'mon then. We still have to get this door open."

"Right, the door."

* * *

><p>Princess Bubblegum gently placed the three pieces of Gerond's sword inside a stasis chamber. They floated and spun inside the glowing field at the center until they were stabilized. Satisfied, she closed the chamber and turned towards the heroes and heroines.<p>

"So far, we have retrieved three of the four pieces of Gerond's sword." She said matter-of-factly, "The Vampire Kingdom has one more, and I know where the last can be found."

"Where is it?" Finn asked excitedly, "I wanna see the whole thing!"

"Patience, Finn." Princess Bubblegum urged in a soft voice, "The dungeon it is interred in is very dangerous, even for you and Jake. We will have to send everyone in."

"We're the best, Preebos!" Finn protested, "We can do it alone."

"Yo man," Jake said, "PB is right about this. I've seen that dungeon before, and I barely made it out of the first level. We hav'ta work as a team."

Finn's face sank, "Okay." He slowly nodded.

Princess Bubblegum placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, "Don't worry, Finn."

* * *

><p>The seven of them were pressed into a tight circle as monsters and beasts enveloped them from all sides. They were snarling, hungry, and very pissed off. Jake and Cake mashed two of them inside massive fists, while Finn and Fionna slashed and hacked away with their swords. Nika put arrow after arrow into the larger ones at the back, keeping them pinned under a hail of projectiles. Sarah's daggers blurred and flashed, hacking off limbs or splitting eyeballs open. Streams of fire and lightning leapt from Alex's hands, incinerating the beasts in a shocking manner.<p>

They had been in the same predicament for some minutes, and the pressure was beginning to take its toll on them. Alex's magic was the first to gutter out, and he was forced to resort to his arming sword. Even then, keeping up spells for several minutes highly taxing. His arms burned as he plunged the tip of his sword into a gap in the plate armor worn by a Skeleton Warrior. The unholy light in the empty eye sockets guttered and faded. The magic holding its bones together failed and the thing simply fell apart.

"We've got a break!" Sarah called out as the shapeshifting animals collapsed a section of the ceiling down on the horde.

They scrambled on top of the solid blocks, finally gaining the higher ground. Alex gulped down a bottle of energy drink and felt the tightness in his muscles loosen. He chopped off the head of a... thing and helped Nika up. She fired off another arrow, which embedded itself in the face of an ogre and exploded.

"Bubblegum special," Nika explained.

"Nice, nice."

From his vantage point, Alex could see the horde beginning to thin.

"Everyone get down!" He commanded.

Everyone complied. Alex let lose with a fireball, which sailed into the middle of the horde and detonated. The explosion was enough to rock the cavern and send the survivors of the blast tumbling to the floor. They made a run for it even as their ears rang. Finally, they were safe as Jake and Cake collapsed the chamber door behind them. Sarah was the first to regain her breath.

"Wait... how do we get out?"

Heads turned towards her.

"It looks like we have to press on, then." Alex gasped, "Maybe there's an exit at the other side."

"I guess so." Fionna agreed, "C'mon guys!"

They made their way forward.

"Wait up guys!" Jake called from the back, dragging his hands out behind him as he lurched forward.

"Slowpoke!" Cake teased as she bounded past.

"Hey!"

They continued deeper into the dungeon for what seemed like hours. All sorts of obstacles impeded them at every step, ranging from riddle masters to massive troll lords, and occasionally Jake or Cake being distracted by a shiny trinket or inconsequential piece of loot. The fact that they had explored hundreds of rooms filled with all sorts of things made the search even harder.

Every broken blade was looked over and compared with the photocopies of the images of what was supposed to be a completed Sword of Gerond the Tall. None of them could match the beauty of the broken blade. Alex recalled the massive ruby held by a golden dragon's claw that served as the pommel, and the impressive micro-engravings on the piece that the two adventuring pairs had recovered.

Princess Bubblegum said that the crossguard was being shipped in by heavily armed and escorted courier from the Vampire Kingdom, and would be arriving in a week. The piece, she said, contained most of the sword's power, and could be used to forge the blade anew. Just how, escaped Alex.

The sound of their boots clicking on bare stone echoed into the corridor. They stood in front of a metal hatch that towered over them and into the darkness. Beside the hatch was a tiny keypad.

"Not again!" Finn spoke up, "And we don't have Beemo with us!"

"Not really." Sarah plucked a piece of paper out of keypad, "Password is...password. Seriously."

She cleared the dust away from the keypad and pressed a green button beside the screen. LEDs flared to life, flashing a welcome message then asking for a password. The keys beeped as her fingers flew over the keypad. Everything was silent for a moment after she typed in the password, and then a bank of lights blazed on. Alex squinted as the hatch began to screech and groan. Machinery which had laid unused in centuries came back to life, slowly prying the half-rusted slab of metal away.

The hatch opened slowly and came to a grinding halt just a quarter of a way open. It was big enough for them to enter and so they did.

* * *

><p>Inside was the final piece of Gerond's sword. They could see why he was called Gerond the Tall. The blade would be as long as Alex was tall, and he was the tallest in the party.<p>

"Crap." Alex said, "How is anyone supposed to wield that?"

"Beats me." Jake stood beside him, "Me and Cake could probably, but we couldn't swing a sword if our lives depended on it."

"Well the legend says that the sword molds itself to the person whom it chooses." Fionna said, sounding very much like Princess Bubblegum.

"Whatever!" Finn exclaimed, "Let's just go and get it!"

"Yeah, lets."

The two shapeshifters brought the blade down and were beginning to wrap it for transport when the massive statues that flanked it creaked. Slowly, they came to life. The Colossi flexed their steel hands and arms. Alex was strongly reminded of the Cylons and was about to point out the similarity when a massive fist slammed into the concrete in front of him.

"Jake! Go Jakesuit!"

"Righto!"

Jake wrapped himself around Finn, serving as a sort of powered armor for the young boy. Jake grew until he was as large as the Colossi and the two of them worked to grapple the nearest threat. Fionna and Cake had the same idea. Pretty soon, they were locked in combat as the three humans without animal companions were left to huddle behind cover.

* * *

><p>Finn unleashed a flurry of punches at the metal golem in front of him, denting its chestplate. The animated statue continued to work however, the single red eye fixed unceasingly on them. Claws swiped over their heads as Jake ducked. He extended his leg, hoping to trip the golem, and it worked. The thing crashed to the floor. It got up again, ready for more abuse.<p>

One blow sent the Jakesuit reeling, a swipe of the claws drew blood. The pair smashed the golem against a wall and the red eye flickered for a moment. Finn and Jake wrapped a hand around the thing's head and started smashing it into the concrete as it struggled to get them off. The casing began to crumple, and that was when a metal knee slammed into Jake's crotch. They backed away. The golem's 'face' was hanging off by a few rivets, exposing intricate machinery and electronics to the world. It clanked forward, raising a claw to slice off their heads.

They looked up in horror as the claw swung. A ball of fire collided with the machinery, blasting it apart in a shower of sparks and debris. The claw froze and the machine toppled over. The other one was much easier to deal with because there were now two suits working to destroy it. Metal limbs and plating flew off in impressive amounts, and the battle ended when the Cakesuit put an arm straight through the chest, ripping out an impressive amount of internals.

The golem crashed to the floor and the chamber was filled with excitement.

"Did you see that? Did you see that?"

"You were like: wham! Wham! Woosh! And then holy stuff! And then there was a kaboom! And then crash!"

"Heck yeah!"

"That was totally awesome dudes!"


	10. The Historian's Tale, Part 2

And so the shining cities of man fell,

Cast down into a self-made hell.

As the the world burned,

Man fled the world, leaving an empty shell.

The old life died, and new life made

Memories of the past began to fade,

And as the world turned,

Old memories died in the shade.

Yet the past is never truly forgotten,

And past crimes never truly forgiven.

A strand of truth lies in every spun tale,

In every lie raveled, and in every story woven.

Underneath the blackened soot and dust,

Lies the ruins of a world so unjust,

And from the ashes the past rises,

And rise it must.

The world died for black gold,

And acid lies always told.

The world dies again,

At the hand of secrets that the past holds.


End file.
